Horoscopes

Disclaimer: I know nothing about Horoscopes. I had to do a lot of “research” on websites that believe zodiac signs are scientific. It was a blast.

Aries, The Ram

You have a great sense of fashion. You can match clothes very well together and have no problem picking out what to wear. Since we have a school uniform, this skill is sort of worthless. This isn’t your only trait, though. You have a profound love for colorful and loopy straws. This is a skill. In the future, you will go through a phase where you think Nike is the best brand of shoes. After this, you will switch to Adidas. Then to Sketchers. You will, unfortunately, remain a Skechers fan the rest of your life. This is your destiny. There’s nothing you can do.

Taurus, The Bull

You love the color red. You also have a great sense of smell. You actually have a superhuman sense of smell. This may seem odd to you, going your whole life and not knowing that you have a superpower. You can sense pie and other baked goods from miles away. Your power may seem unappealing compared to powers such as invisibility because it is very unappealing. Having a “super-nose” is cool only when you are smelling perfume or food. Wait until you pass a dumpster, then you’ll know why your power is mediocre. In total, your power is both a blessing and a curse. You’re like a dog, but you’re a bull.

Gemini, The Twins

You hate the beach and everything lavish. Your perfect vacation is a Motel 6 in Detroit. You shop on Etsy for hours, looking for used shoes and sweatshirts. You think retro is “cool”. Your favorite food is penguin meat. I don’t know why, but the stars told me this, so it’s true. In the future, you will have a grandson named Torvald. He will think you’re terrible with technology because you don’t know how to use the future form of Skype. He won’t believe that you, at one time, were proficient with technology. This came from your constellation, so it has to be true. Torvald may seem like an avant-garde name, but you must remember that you are avant-garde. Torvald will be the only person in his school named Torvald though. He’ll love it.

Cancer, The Crab

You’re really crabby in the mornings (dum-tiss). You are not a morning person. You hate sunrises and love to stay awake late into the night, watching dog videos or reading about the history of airplanes in Malaysia on Wikipedia. You also despise breakfast foods like bacon and eggs. You’d much rather eat a sandwich at lunch. You love the beach. You’d rather vacation in Florida than Colorado because “skiing is overrated”, and “swimming is the best”. You also enjoy sports. You love to watch curling and croquet on ESPN 9. You also love weird music. You listen to the noise a TV makes when it shows static, and you love the sound of washing machines. In the future, you will fly a kite on a beach. The wind will be so strong it will grab lift the kite and lift you into the atmosphere. While in the atmosphere, you will see life as David Bowie saw it. You will be content with life.

Leo, The Lion

Your love for Victorian Era architecture goes very far. You can look at bricks and windows until your eyes pop out of your skull. This is a very impressive and odd ability to have, but it is still a positive trait. You also love to play hop-scotch by yourself. You never eat breakfast, but you always eat lunch, without exception. Most importantly, your favorite muppet is either Gonzo or Beaker. In the future, you will invest in many businesses, but these companies will fail. You will lose all or most of your money. When you only have one dollar left, you will spend it on an oil lamp. This seems like an odd last purchase, but it’s not. This lamp will have a genie in it. Here’s some advice: wish for money, gold, and a lifetime subscription to the National Enquire. By wishing for these three objects, you will be rich and well informed, like Mr. President-Elect Donald Trump.

Virgo, The Maiden

You love movies like When Harry Met Sally and The Princess Bride. You love these movies because you have an unhealthy obsession with Billy Crystal. You also think that Monster’s Inc. was the best movie ever produced because it has not only Billy Crystal but also John Goodman and Steve Buscemi. Speaking of Steve Buscemi, you believe he should have won “Sexist Man Alive” this year. If all of this is going over your head, then you are not a Virgo. As a Virgo, you also love to eat raw pasta. You like the crunch and the bland flavor the most. This love for raw pasta will ultimately turn into a love for consuming crunchy glass. You will be on My Strange Addiction. You also enjoy looking at the moon on summer nights, and you like the dark. In the near-future, you will discover the meaning of life. You will feel enlightened. You will then be struck by a baseball from a little league game, and you will be stricken with amnesia.

Libra, The Scales

You are clumsy. You fall down multiple flights of stairs daily. Despite your constant falling, you never are injured. It’s incredible. You also seem to always land on your feet when you fall down the stairs. You also are easily moveable. People can push you over very easily, and you feel very unbalanced. In the future, you will run out of tears. Milk will begin to come out of your eyes every time you want or need to cry. You will open a store that sells fine cheeses and milk. The cheese will be made from your eye-tears. You will never be happy again. The stars have spoken.

Scorpio, The Scorpion

You’re really passionate about tap dancing. You own at least five pairs of tap shoes, and you are filled with incredible zest. You have so much zest in your body that when you were born, the doctors were worried about your zest levels. You sometimes have difficulty controlling your zestful personality. Unlike Pisces, you hate beaches. You also hate Beaches, the movie. You believe that the best musical is Sister Act because Whoopi Goldberg is a gem. In the future, you will write the screenplay for Sister Act: Revenge of the Whoopi. It will fail at the box office, but it will be a huge cult movie. You will make a moderate fortune off your movie, and you will retire to an obscure town in Maine to write fiction for the rest of your life. (If you are wondering, the fiction will never be published. They will sit in a desk and collect dust for ages.)

Sagittarius, the Centaur, The Archer

You have an unhealthy obsession the movie,The Room. The movie, to you, is magical, filled with beautiful acting and a golden plot. You think Tommy Wiseau is an excellent director, actor, and producer. You believe that no movie compares to The Room in any cinematic aspect. Your favorite animal is a horse. Horses, to you, are magical beasts filled with passion and love. If unicorns existed, you’d own one. You’d ride your unicorn to school or work. In the future, you will own a horse named Harold. He will hate to be sat upon. He would rather eat than trot or canter. You’ll love Harold, but he will be indifferent. When Harold dies, you will write a memoir about your time with Harold. Only your parents will buy a copy. In your depression, you will watch The Room. You’ll discover that it is actually a terrible movie, and you’ll see your life was a lie.

Capricorn, The Sea-goat

You’re a sea-goat. Unfortunately, no one knows what a sea-goat is. You love to party. When you party, you party alone, with your cats or dogs. You love to watch movies with your pets too. You also love to play Connect-Four and Scrabble with your pets. You always win! You also love to go roller skating. You go to the roller-rink, bust out your moves, and dazzle everyone on a daily basis. Sometimes, you rollerblade, but it is a rare occurrence. Your favorite movie either is Cars or National Treasure. You love the Steve Miller Band with a passion. You also have the great skill of knowing every nation’s capital city. A normal person could obtain this skill, but you have it naturally. You can also sense if someone is staring at you for more than 3 seconds. This skill is useful in party situations, so it is fitting that you have this power.

Aquarius, The Water-Bearer

You despise little kids. You think they are incredibly annoying. When you go out to eat, you always have the misfortune of sitting near a child who is yelling his head off. You wish that children could be banned from public areas. On another note, you love cat videos. Your addiction runs deep with cat videos. Every day, you watch at least two hours of them. You don’t own a cat, though. You own a dog. In the future, you will buy a cat. The cat will abhor you and attempt to ruin your life. It will somehow empty your bank account, and it will absolutely scratch your car’s paint, but you will love the animal like a child.

Pisces, The Fish

You have a huge crush on Tobey MaGuire. You believe he was the best spider-man and was amazing in The Great Gatsby. However, Tobey MaGuire is not your only love. You love getting free samples from ice cream stores and then not buying anything. You also love to watch people dance but never get involved. You love the beach. When you go there, you swim and build sandcastles. You also pretend not to be annoyed with the child that keeps knocking over your castle. Your future is very bright as well. You will stare into a lamp for the last five years of your life.